Matrescence: the birth of a mother

I was born a mother years before giving birth to my oldest child.
My motherhood journey began when I decided I was ready to bring a child into the world.

Just because my mind and heart were ready
did not mean that my body was.

It took almost a year, including diet and lifestyle changes, acupuncture, mind body medicine, abdominal massage, alllll of the things to help my body conceive.

When I finally saw the double lines on the stick
sigh of relief.
We had done it.
It was finally happening.

Weeks later, I was so excited to share the news with family, I did an ultrasound on myself.
No heartbeat.
Frantically searching.
Nothing.

My first baby,
the one that changed how I saw my entire future,
my sweet Olive
I would never hold in my arms.

Since then, I have been blessed to be parenting 3 babies earthside and two angel babies.

Each baby has expanded my heart and given me life whether I get to hug and kiss their beautiful faces in the flesh or in my dreams.

Mother’s Day, for me, is a day that is filled with hope, grief, and gratitude, as I know it is for so many others.

My matrescence has been a rollercoaster that at this point, I wouldn’t change any of the steps along the way. But it doesn’t take away the extreme pain, longing and loss that has been such an integral part of the journey.

Sending all my love to all of you who are navigating this journey of matrescence wherever you are along the way.
​
I see you.